tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37237882488016438262024-02-19T03:36:25.248-08:00All Braun No BrainsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-44416398423060315762014-05-27T18:06:00.000-07:002020-03-29T16:38:09.381-07:00The Story That Couldn't Be<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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This post had a chance to be many things—but it isn’t and it can’t be. <br />
What could have been an epic story—was cut short. My reading audience will never know what could have been. My seventeen year relationship with the same woman has altered the path of this written work forever. <br />
I’m not sure who my wife has cut off the most; morning commuters during one of her wheel-jerking Alanis Morissette performances, or her wonderful husband—who’s legendary stories she has learned to skillfully dismantle? <br />
“That’s bullshit!” she assures my audience, “Don’t listen to him!” <br />
At least when she cuts off the motorists, her eyes are shut tight and her head rages from side to side as she bellows out the lyrics to “You Oughta Know.” She’s pretty much temporarily insane. <br />
But—cutting off my stories? She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s like the red-headed toddler in pre-school who waddles by and knocks over the other kid’s block-tower. <br />
“Yeah…so, anyway,” is a typical interruption, “One Tree Hill could have totally had a tenth season.” <br />
“Totally!” replies another woman. <br />
I can’t be the only one—I tend to think this is a world-wide, female-led phenomenon. I often see the emptiness in other men’s eyes—as if they’ve also had their amazing thoughts trampled over. There seems to be a certain level of rebellion brewing among the ladies. <br />
It probably goes back to when cavemen used to signal for sexy-time with a series of grunts and pounding fists. I suppose men could have been more romantic in the early years, but it’s not like ProFlowers existed back then. <br />
But I still get the sense that women are becoming increasingly displeased with their male counterparts. <br />
I’ve seen enough of this girl-on-boy crime recently to worry about the future of my brethren. I fear what awaits us when Hilary is elected to the Oval Office. I foresee a future where American men are forced to register their penises with the government. Eventually, this critical data will be used to round us up into prison camps, where we’ll be organized by our length and girth. <br />
The less fortunate among us will be shipped away for laboratory study, where female scientists will ensure these invalids can no longer perpetuate their tiny flaws upon future generations. The more gifted prisoners will be made to work twelve hour shifts in government casting factories. The mediocre majority will be forced into such mundane tasks as taking out the garbage, changing light bulbs, and coaching the local tee-ball teams. <br />
Worst of all, when the men are free from the shackles of forced labor, we will be re-educated and directed to watch “90210” reruns on the jumbo screen. Failure to comply will be punished by a week in the hole with a copy of “The Notebook”.<br />
“Donna Martin Graduates!” will be the robotic chants as female guards march the brainwashed buffoons toward their couches for the night. </div>
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I suspect this is what the guards will look like. </div>
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This is the dark future I predict for men, and I believe it all starts with these simple interruptions of man-speech. A despicable attack on our First Amendment rights.<br />
This weekend was the latest example of this “War on Men”. <br />
My wife and I were invited to hang out with a good friend and her boyfriend. They were having a bonfire—I’m talking about some serious redneck activity. There was no cute fire bowl on the patio—instead we traveled down a dirt road, marched through knee high grass, and burned a stack of pallets in a hayfield. <br />
The scene had all the hillbilly essentials; an ATV, a beer cooler, toilet paper, a herd of goats bellowing in the distance, and most importantly—two highly explosive nitrogen fertilizer tanks within twenty feet of our gigantic blaze. <br />
It had all the makings of a material-rich night for my latest humor column. I began to salivate when our hosts started arguing over whether piss-soaked toilet paper should have been brought back and thrown into the fire, or just simply abandoned at the dump site. <br />
To fully grasp the dynamic of the night, you must understand the complex nature of the “triangular” relationship between me, my wife, and her dear friend of many years. Sadly, it's not a love triangle, but rather a scalene triangle, which means my role is to be the “point” way off yonder—preferably not saying much. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’ve never once completed a single rational thought in the presence of these two women. <br />
“How’s work been Steve?” asked the friend. <br />
“Works been going great, I’m very pleased with the…” <br />
“Did you hear Pearl Jam is coming to Buffalo this fall!” interrupted the friend, this time addressing my wife as if she didn’t just ask me a question moments before.<br />
“So, uh…like I said, it was the best first quarter I’ve…” <br />
“So awesome! We’re totally going!” interrupts the wife, “Oh, not you Honey. I meant we…as in the girls.” <br />
“Ok, whatever,” I complied, “As far as work goes, I mean things are good, it’s going…” <br />
“Did you ever read the Hunger Games trilogy?” inquires my wife, leaning forward to look past me and toward her friend. <br />
As you can see, when these ladies get together, things don’t go well for me.<br />
There was a brief moment that night, however, when I thought I might shine. As we relaxed by the fire and the spooky sounds of nature began to fill the night air, I felt it was the perfect opportunity for some shenanigans. <br />
“What was that sound?” asked the concerned friend. <br />
“Sounded like a lynx,” I suggested, “they are in season right now.” <br />
“Get out! I think I saw one the other night. How big are they?” she asked. <br />
“It depends. They are large cats,” I replied, “Some records indicate horse-sized creatures that roam the night in search of prey.” <br />
“I believe it! What I saw the other night…it was a beastly animal,” she said, growing more concerned with each word. <br />
“They mostly feed on rabbits and squirrels, but sometimes the alpha-males will pull in small children…even adult females at times,” I continued as the friend’s eyes widened with fear, “In fact, Memorial Day weekend is known as their peak…”<br />
“Shut up!” shouts the wife, “Don’t listen to him. He’s so full of it.” <br />
The wife had tripped me up before the finish line, but I refused to give up. If I couldn’t participate in conversation, then I would use my physicality to bring fear upon our fire-mates. <br />
Fortunately, my son had asked if he could go to sleep in the van. This gave me the opportunity to briefly escape the group. A normal man might simply just walk back to the fire, but I decided to do an army crawl through the field for cover. I was so dedicated to scare these people that I battled through a burdock tree and hugged along the side of the toxic nitrogen tanks. Just as I was about to lunge from the shadows and deliver wrist-flailing terror upon the group, a twig snapped under my feet. <br />
“What was that?” whispered the concerned friend. <br />
Without looking back or giving it a second thought, my wife replied, “That’s Steve. He’s an idiot.” <br />
And there you have it…another masterpiece up in smoke.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-76870097220667669542014-04-06T18:15:00.000-07:002020-04-04T18:16:11.127-07:00The Skunkades<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
“Wake up! Wake up!” screamed my wife as her hands shook my shoulders. </div>
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“Mmmm…” I moaned, with my nose slowly scrunching up in confusion. </div>
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“Something’s on fire!” she exclaimed. </div>
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I was in a deep sleep and my brain was struggling to process her fussing. </div>
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“Damn midgets…” I mumbled as my brain struggled to grab hold of reality. </div>
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“Fire!” screamed the wife. </div>
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In a flash—my body launched from the bed, and I thrust Genevieve off me like a rag doll. Her body went crashing into the wall as I sprinted toward the stairway. </div>
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My young son looked on with fear, and he extended his arms toward me in anticipation of being saved. Instead I summoned Walter Payton from the grave and placed my palm on the child’s forehead, stiff-arming him to the floor and clearing my path to safety. </div>
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As I fled down the stairs, my 7-pound Yorkie-Poo stood between me and the doorway. I picked up the small hound and used his fuzzy frame to cover my mouth from the smoke’s wrath. With the dog twitching wildly in my grasp, I broke though the door and… </div>
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“Honey! Wake Up!” my wife screamed once again. </div>
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“Huh? What?” I mumbled, “I’m not a coward…” </div>
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“Wake up you idiot!” </div>
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I sat up from my pillow, relieved it was just a dream. I wasn’t George Costanza after all. </div>
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“What’s going on? What’s that smell?” I asked. </div>
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“I don’t know, I think something’s on fire!” suggested my wife. </div>
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It was a rancid stench, like somebody was burning tires in our home. It was unlike anything we had smelled before and we hurried downstairs to investigate. </div>
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We spent the next half hour inspecting every inch of our home, but I could detect nothing out of the ordinary. </div>
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“Steve! It’s a skunk!” bellowed the enraged wife, “Google says it’s a damn skunk!” </div>
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That was four years ago, and as first-time skunk victims we were confused and shell-shocked. After hours of research and consideration, it was determined that a family of skunks had burrowed under a pine tree and beneath our porch. It was there that they unleashed their odorous fury. </div>
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The stink-bomb carried deep into every crevice of our nest and it was the official beginning of The Skunkades—a four year war of good vs. evil—and my home was the battlefield. </div>
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My wife and I took the day off from work to put the pieces of our life back together. The horror stories from the internet suggested a month-long journey to recovery. We spent the whole day scrubbing the stink from our walls and floors, washing our laundry, and steaming our carpets. </div>
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“What’s your deal with midgets, anyway?” asked my wife, as she dipped her sponge into the bucket. </div>
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“What are you talking about?” </div>
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“That’s like the fifth time you’ve talked about midgets in your sleep…and like…in a really derogatory way.” </div>
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Our only break from the misery was when we picked up our son early from school. He was deemed too smelly to participate and was escorted from the premises. </div>
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The whole episode was a haunting experience. While the internet paranoia proved to be over-blown, the presence of skunk lingered in our home for two weeks. </div>
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I remember thinking it was finally over during a business trip to Connecticut. I attended a vendor show for my employer at the time, and didn’t realize how bad all my marketing materials smelled until it was too late. I spent more time suggesting the odor came from the neighboring booth than I did discussing my company’s product. It was a brutal day. </div>
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After everything settled down, I assured my wife I’d take the necessary steps to prevent this debacle from happening again. I knew the skunks would flee the den in April, and it was only a matter of sealing up the hole and taking measures to keep them out for good. </div>
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Unfortunately, I didn’t do a damn thing as the painful memories faded into obscurity and the year quickly passed into a new winter. </div>
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“No!” she screamed, “not again!” </div>
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My wife was disgusted with me. It was a year later and we were reliving the same nightmare. </div>
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“I want those little shits dead!” she demanded. </div>
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They were surprising words to hear from the same woman who routinely swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid rabbits in the street. </div>
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That year, I had two tons of river rock dumped in my driveway. I was confident—between the heavy rocks atop our garden beds and all the tuna I sprinkled near my neighbor’s porch—the skunks would find a new home. </div>
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But there was no such luck. They had created a penthouse under my home and had no intention of leaving any time soon. The Skunkades continued into year three. </div>
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The third year was the worst, as the skunks blasted us not only once, but rather four separate times. </div>
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The war reached its climax in the summer of 2012, when Ripley (our dog) tried to make friends with Pepe Le Pew in the back yard. Needless to say, he was violated—and Genevieve was not pleased. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgas8IxkxLOLkLrWmKZhiXIpgNbRtBON1dZVYG0s7Qu-PgwHvYxoZw9-SmRDH5UgGul0CX13KuJQUOUPC6nFuvhyphenhyphenZmju3wrcUlV31GISE-_aINOYztxRNLuvq6KsfECVSrRl4zKk7cMkB4n/s1600/pepe.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="236" data-original-width="214" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgas8IxkxLOLkLrWmKZhiXIpgNbRtBON1dZVYG0s7Qu-PgwHvYxoZw9-SmRDH5UgGul0CX13KuJQUOUPC6nFuvhyphenhyphenZmju3wrcUlV31GISE-_aINOYztxRNLuvq6KsfECVSrRl4zKk7cMkB4n/s320/pepe.png" width="290" /></a></div>
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You have to understand, when it comes to our dog—she says things like, “who’s a gonna be my babiest baby?” </div>
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This latest attack was her final straw and she hunted the animal outside for an hour with a baseball bat. </div>
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“Come out! Show your face!” she shouted into the dark summer night. </div>
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Unable to track down the enemy, she turned her attention to cleaning up our pup. She bathed him in a solution of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dish detergent. Ripley normally has dark black hair, but he emerged from the bath looking like Ponyboy Curtis on the run. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGhGl6qLCotFQJ4bqQPHbJQfMH9eU2qbgETo8Sz0tWftp5VVASXEYq1E0yY2qqlB0s7rRtjuM5ml8bGS3pU7-kHnN3TSAXc452TpPfUCPDGDHtiOpStrKllom-ZuqmgZq1tYIzo5ztNYqO/s1600/pony.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGhGl6qLCotFQJ4bqQPHbJQfMH9eU2qbgETo8Sz0tWftp5VVASXEYq1E0yY2qqlB0s7rRtjuM5ml8bGS3pU7-kHnN3TSAXc452TpPfUCPDGDHtiOpStrKllom-ZuqmgZq1tYIzo5ztNYqO/s320/pony.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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The wife was furious. “They must die! Or we have to move!” </div>
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I knew it was time to bring in the professionals. We found a wise-looking elderly man, a decorated veteran of many skunk captures. </div>
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“If you got skunks, I’ll catch’em,” he assured us. </div>
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But the days went on, and no skunks were captured. </div>
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“We just have to be patient, we’ll get them,” I promised my wife. </div>
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“I don’t want him released into the wild either! I want him executed!” she steamed. </div>
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“No, no, better yet,” she continued, “we’ll interrogate his ass! We will water-board him until he gives up the others!” </div>
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She was losing her mind and time was running short. Two weeks had passed and still we had no skunks. </div>
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“Well, I guess you ain’t got no skunks,” suggested the old geyser, “or I’d a gotten ‘em like I says I would.” </div>
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I knew the only way to solve this problem was to cut down my pine trees and bury chicken wire around my porch. It was a nightmare project that I kept delaying all year until winter approached once again. I decided to pray for divine intervention instead. </div>
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It turns out God doesn’t help with skunks. It was February 2013, and my wife and I lay awake, victims of a midnight skunk assault for the fourth consecutive year. </div>
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“Can you just hold me,” she whispered with tears of defeat rolling down her eyes. </div>
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It was then that I decided to finally man up. It was a brutal job, but I made the decision to cut down my pine trees and dig a trench around my porch. I buried multiple layers of chicken wire deep under ground, bolted to the base of my porch and extending under the garden beds five feet from the house. </div>
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It is with great pride that I formally announce the end of The Skunkades. We have made it through the 2014 skunk season without a single attack. The demons have been driven from our home. </div>
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Sure, It was sad when I looked out the window last month and saw our neighbor on her knees in the backyard—her arms stretched toward the sky. </div>
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“Why! Why God!” screeched her muffled voice through the window panes. </div>
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“Awe, that’s sad,” quipped the wife, “would you mind shutting the blinds?”</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-48555956951429542652014-03-17T17:04:00.000-07:002020-03-23T05:34:23.934-07:00St. Puke's Day<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This is the shirt I had picked out for St. Patrick’s Day 2014. </div>
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<img alt="shirt-300x224.jpg" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/8519e2_b9f82de7dccd4d528812d8a2311a472a.jpg/v1/fill/w_360,h_269,al_c,lg_1,q_90/8519e2_b9f82de7dccd4d528812d8a2311a472a.webp" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">I had no idea how prophetic this shirt would turn out to be. </span></div>
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It was 3 am on Saturday morning when I woke from a deep slumber—my stomach was grumbling in protest. I lay wondering if a stomach bug was taking hold—or worse yet—could “The Best Chicken Tenders on Earth” be to blame?Perhaps the chicken was undercooked, I thought? </div>
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Perhaps the mashed potatoes were littered with bacteria? </div>
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As the clock struck 4 and my stomach settled back down, I realized it was nothing more than my body trying to recuperate from my gorging. I had eaten enough Tully’s takeout to make William “Refrigerator” Perry blush, and my stomach was not pleased. </div>
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I was grateful for not throwing up, as my wife and I were planning to enjoy the St. Patrick’s day parade. Wyatt was scheduled to spend the day with his aunt and a friend. </div>
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The relief didn’t last long as I was quickly woken at 5 am. </div>
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“Baah!…caca…blaaaah!” </div>
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“What’s going on?” I mumbled as my wife sprung from the bed and ran into our son’s room. </div>
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“Wyatt!” she blurted, “are you OK?” </div>
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There was Wyatt—keeled over with his hands on his knees—his head rotating on a swivel like a possessed demon. The kid was blowing half-digested artichoke dip from his mouth like Davey “Lardass” Hogan from Stand By Me. </div>
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Genevieve sought shelter behind the toy chest as chewed-up cheese sticks were recalled from his belly and launched out of his mouth like bullets from an AK-47.</div>
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The aftermath was a horrific scene. Blankets and pillows were covered in Wyatt’s grayish and lumpy vomit. The once pearly-white carpet had been permanently marked, and the resale value of my home plummeted with his every gag. </div>
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It was like a war zone. The stench of death was in the air and I could hear the cries of orphaned babies in the distance. </div>
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At first, my wife was incredibly noble. She lunged toward the mounds of barf like a young war hero covering up a grenade for her comrades. She seemed willing to absorb the burden so that at least one of us could continue on with a normal life. </div>
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“Mmmmm…,” she moaned, “mmmm…nnnnn…eeewwww!” she screamed as the acidic fumes burned her eyes. </div>
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“Ahh!… No!… No!” she bellowed as her head shook from side to side. She sped from the room with her hands covering her mouth. </div>
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“I will do it!” I screamed, “Run! Save yourself!” </div>
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The boy’s gut-porridge stunk of hot garbage dipped in diarrhea. It was unimaginable. </div>
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With nothing but an old crock pot and paper towels at my disposal, I battled the regurgitated matter for twenty minutes, fighting back my own reflex with clenched teeth and puffy cheeks. Wyatt looked on from his bed, seemingly amazed at his father’s bravery. </div>
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"Wolverines!” I shouted as my hands scooped up pile after pile of chunk-riddled puke. </div>
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“Wyatt…,” I mumbled under my breath as my body finally gave out and I collapsed to the floor. </div>
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“Dad?” whispered the concerned boy. </div>
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“Avenge me!” I screamed with my remaining breaths, “Avenge me!” </div>
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“Huh?” asked a confused Wyatt, “Can I have some water?” </div>
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After pulling myself together, I guided the youngster downstairs to get him cleaned up—only to find his mother curled up in the corner of our dining room, rocking back and forth with her thumb in her mouth. </div>
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“Tick tock,” she mumbled incoherently, “Tick tock”. </div>
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“What are you saying?” I asked. </div>
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“Tick tock,” she replied with wide and disoriented eyes. </div>
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“What does that mean?” </div>
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“Tick tock…tick tock” she continued. </div>
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“I don’t understand…the clock?” I countered. </div>
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“His barf…” she whispered, “it was in a clock pattern…every hour he shall barf again…” </div>
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Apparently she needs to stop watching The Hunger Games about as much as I need to lay off Red Dawn. </div>
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She snapped out of her trauma-induced trance to help get the kid cleaned up and put all his linens in the washing machine.</div>
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We knew we were in trouble for the St. Patty’s day parade. </div>
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“Maybe it’s just a fluke,” I offered, “maybe in a couple hours he’ll feel perfectly fine.”</div>
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Genevieve stayed downstairs with him on the couch, with a newly labeled barf bucket nearby. </div>
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It was only 6 am when I was woken by the next round of retching—I clenched my eyes tight in denial as I heard the vomit splash into the desecrated popcorn bowl by his side. I pretended not to hear as my wife tended to the boy downstairs. </div>
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At 7 am, it was more of the same. Genevieve’s prophecy had unfolded before us.</div>
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Alas, I knew the day was ruined. Just like the last time he got sick, Wyatt would cost me a glorious day of binge drinking. </div>
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As the day moved toward lunchtime, and Facebook updates started to funnel in with pictures of our friends having a great time at the parade, I decided to man up.</div>
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“Honey, why don’t you go without me?” I offered to my wife. </div>
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“I couldn’t do that…I wanted us to go together,” she assured me. </div>
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But by 2 o’clock, it turns out she could do that—and she would do that. Now I know how Jack Dawson felt after the Titanic sank, after Rose practically pushed his ass off that piece of wood. </div>
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All kidding aside, I wanted to stay behind with the boy and be the care-taker for once in my life. </div>
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Honestly, I can’t say that I did too much. I was mostly oblivious to his needs. </div>
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I fed him Golden Grahams for dinner and poked him a few times while he slept to make sure he didn't die on my watch. That was about it. </div>
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So you can imagine my surprise when on Sunday morning Wyatt said, “Thanks for taking care of me, Dad.” </div>
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And with those words, watching eight hours of Investigation Discovery during Parade Day didn’t seem so bad after all.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-47371489895164098912014-01-01T15:12:00.000-08:002020-03-26T16:29:31.948-07:00Something About Ripley (And Chewy)<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I wanted to write something on New Year’s Day. I wasn’t sure what…but something. </div>
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As I shooed away my dog; I thought about different “somethings” I could write about. </div>
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Maybe I could write about resolutions for 2014, I thought, as my little Yorkie-Poo threw his front paws up on my legs, wagging his tail and staring at me like a piece of bacon. Then I realized what a tired subject that is (whacking Ripley off my legs again); I don’t even make resolutions anyway, I remembered, snapping my fingers and pointing Ripley away from me. </div>
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It wasn’t long before I finally began that oft-promised piece on stamp collecting. Ripley ignored my clear instructions to exit the room, sitting quietly with his eyes peering into mine and occasionally turning his head a quarter-inch at a time. He looked on with the type of blankness that only a creature of incredibly low IQ can muster. </div>
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It’s not that I actually collect stamps, but I was going to make stuff up. Readers wouldn’t know the difference. Hilarious stamp-collecting references were flowing from my mind to the computer screen like magic, but there again was Ripley…having slowly wandered back over to my side and throwing his paws up onto my legs while I typed away. </div>
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“What, Ripley!” I yelled, wondering why he wasn’t snuggling with my wife like he normally does. </div>
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He didn’t answer of course, just twitched his head wildly. He dropped from my leg and executed a perfect 360 spin. </div>
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“What do you want?” I asked. </div>
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Anxious to unload the seven-pound burden on my wife, I followed as he lured me into the living room. There I saw his problem. All the fur-ball wanted was what he always wants; to hang out with his mom. He was blocked off from her by the New Year’s Eve fortress we constructed from a tipped-over couch, some cushions, and a roof of blankets. </div>
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I picked him up and tossed him over “The Great Wall of Couch Turned Sideways”. He bounced around excitedly, finally reunited with his master. </div>
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As I headed back to my computer I thought to myself, “Ripley! I should write about The Ripster!” </div>
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I’ve intended to write about him before, but just never got around to it. I put the legendary stamp-collecting post on hold. I decided Ripley would be the star of my New Year’s Day post. </div>
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It all started a few years ago when my wife and son stumbled across this hilarious picture on the internet. </div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">“Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/8519e2_4c5e86d0074446f4884b95a5e5cbce65.jpg/v1/fill/w_335,h_420,al_c,lg_1,q_90/8519e2_4c5e86d0074446f4884b95a5e5cbce65.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="ripley-239x300.jpg" border="0" height="320" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/8519e2_4c5e86d0074446f4884b95a5e5cbce65.jpg/v1/fill/w_335,h_420,al_c,lg_1,q_90/8519e2_4c5e86d0074446f4884b95a5e5cbce65.webp" width="254" /></a></div>
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My wife fell in love instantly. It was a surprise to me, because she’s never been much of an animal person before. The only other pet we had was Chewy…this little ball of hair.</div>
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<a href="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/8519e2_995b3927d118475384ff59236d2ce533.jpg/v1/fill/w_360,h_239,al_c,lg_1,q_90/8519e2_995b3927d118475384ff59236d2ce533.webp" imageanchor="1"><img alt="chewy-300x199.jpg" border="0" height="211" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/8519e2_995b3927d118475384ff59236d2ce533.jpg/v1/fill/w_360,h_239,al_c,lg_1,q_90/8519e2_995b3927d118475384ff59236d2ce533.webp" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">Trust me, he didn’t stay this cute very long </span></div>
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It didn’t go well with Chewy. We spent 18 months over-feeding the little guy before his heart seized up during a midnight wheel-run. He’s the first known rodent to have a Richard Simmons intervention, but it came too late. Chewy was too far gone. </div>
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My wife started predicting Chewy’s demise after about three months in… </div>
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“Honey, I think it's time…” she would say. </div>
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“I think he’s just taking a nap,” I’d reply. </div>
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“No, something’s not right…he doesn’t have much time,” she’d assure me. </div>
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She treated every day like it was Chewy’s last; feeding him hamster Grainola bars like he was on death row. He went from looking like Simon to Theodore in a matter of weeks. </div>
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“He’s so fat, we’re gonna have to re-name him Precious,” I quipped. </div>
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“Shut up, jerk! Food is all he has!” she claimed. </div>
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The whole Chewy ordeal was a bust from the beginning. The harsh truth is that I dropped him on his head at PetCo while evaluating him. I wanted to toss him back into the tank after that. </div>
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“Umm…you’re gonna keep him now, right?” asked the associate. </div>
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“Do I have to?” </div>
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“Well, that was like…a pretty far fall,” he said, “I’m sure he’s fine…but…maybe you can get a backup too?” </div>
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I had heard enough. It’s no different if you knock an angel figurine off the shelf at Hallmark; you break it, you own it. I got the drift. </div>
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Chewy spent his first weeks gnawing at his cage relentlessly, desperate for an escape. He was no Andy Dufresne from Shawshank, his attempts were futile. (I know you pronounced that Doo-Fres-Knee at first). </div>
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<img alt="Chewy-Cage-300x199.jpg" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/8519e2_07a25783dfa24ff2b968b48b1844a7f0.jpg/v1/fill/w_360,h_239,al_c,lg_1,q_90/8519e2_07a25783dfa24ff2b968b48b1844a7f0.webp" /></div>
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“Get me outta here!!” </div>
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Chewy spent his remaining days accepting his fate, eventually becoming blissfully institutionalized and getting fatter by the day. He would get the last laugh every day of his life; sticking his ass through the bars and taking relentless dumps outside the cage, kicking piss-soaked wood chips onto our floor, and just otherwise stinking and creating a hygienic hazard in our home. </div>
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It didn’t end until about 15 months after my wife started the death-watch…not until I pulled his stiff corpse from the hamster wheel and buried him in a Topps bag under our peach tree. </div>
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We did hold a service for him…but I can’t lie, it was brief. </div>
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With this in mind, you can imagine my concern for bringing a dog into our home. You screw up with a dog like we did with Chewy…that shit will be featured on the news. PETA will come for you. </div>
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But my wife fell in love quickly and there was no slowing her down. Within days we were up at Paws Across Oswego meeting the little guy. My wife crafted a tear-jerking thesis paper on why our family should be selected as Ripley’s new home. We don’t have his whole back-story, but Ripley was not your typical rescue-dog. Dozens of families were lined up for him. He is a lap dog fit for a queen. </div>
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My wife cheered wildly when we were selected as his new owners, and what started out as my son wanting to fill his only-child void with a dog, became about my wife having another “baby”. </div>
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It didn’t take long for Ripley to rule the roost. </div>
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For me, it was a slow process to accept the fact that most days…Ripley’s bare penis would be resting on my pillow while I was away at work. There are lots of places for him to rest during the day (including his own luxurious bed), but it seems he has settled on curling up on my pillow. Perhaps it’s symbolic. </div>
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This is no small matter either, as Ripley is somehow hung like a Great Dane. He’s the Tommy Lee of lap dogs in more ways than one. </div>
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For those that know us, Ripley is already a documented rock star. He is so coveted by </div>
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those we know, we have a multi-page report of all those who’ve offered to adopt him upon our tragic and simultaneous deaths. It’s to the point I worry about our safety. I worry about contracts on our life. </div>
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A simple trip to PetSmart is like getting a glimpse into the life of The Beatles. He is flocked by countless fans and puppy paparazzi seem to emerge from behind bags of dog food. </div>
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“Ripley! Ripley!” shout his fans. </div>
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Trips to the park, to Wyatt’s school, to the village of Skaneateles; they all end the same way with flocks of on-lookers gathered around this little dog. The funny thing is that he hates them all, he pities his fans like most divas do. </div>
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Despite the stress of his fame, he still leads a mostly relaxed and charmed life.</div>
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The dog is spoiled rotten by my wife. She holds him like a baby…talks to him like a baby. She gave him a middle name: Edward. Yes, Edward is his middle name. My middle name is Edward. Wyatt’s middle name is Edward. Do you see where I’m going with this? </div>
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“Ripley Edward Braun!” she’ll shout if he doesn’t respond to her first call. Like clock-work, he knows that she means business. </div>
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I won’t be shocked if one day I come home and she has him fitted in Pampers. He already has a Christmas sweater, Dracula costume, and a jogging shirt. </div>
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Ripley doesn’t have a veterinarian…he has a team of medical professionals who consult on his health. Somehow it took us seven years to realize our own son has tree allergies, but Ripley was diagnosed with his allergies within weeks and prescribed a custom diet to better suit his needs. </div>
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My biggest complaint about Obamacare is that it didn’t spearhead any initiatives for the inclusion of pets. How am I supposed to afford that inevitable organ transplant Ripley is sure to receive in ten years? </div>
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Ripley doesn’t have a groomer either…he has a permanent stylist who understands his particular hair. The stylist is only allowed to work on him under the terms of the “premium express package”. This means no crating or inter-mingling with “less desirable” clients. </div>
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For the most part, Ripley is a very well-behaved dog: he’s not noisy, he’s usually calm, he is playful when you want him to be playful. He does, however, have two major flaws. </div>
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Like most dogs, he’s a relentless beggar. Even after all the terrible things I’ve said to him (threats of being returned to the cages of Oswego, etc.) and my utter refusal to give him as much as a piece of corn…this dog begs from me with incredible optimism. </div>
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The wife caves in of course, just not so much as to jeapordize his skin health as she calls it. </div>
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Most annoying, is his genuine passion for licking those dear to him. He licks my monkey arms like a Nutty Buddy. It’s gross, but Ripley’s therapist says it’s his way of showing affection, so of course he’s granted full-blown licking immunity throughout the home. </div>
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Even his stylist has become a proud recipient of his licks. </div>
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After three-plus years, my wife is still asking me to admit I love the dog. I’m not willing to go that far because I’m just too damn manly. I actually take the time to remove the “I Love my Yorkie-Poo” magnet from my wife’s car when I drive it. </div>
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That said, based on the length of this post, it will probably be one of my kidneys he receives ten years from now. Let’s just say, he’s growing on me. <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-4508013191857316432013-10-28T16:22:00.000-07:002020-04-05T16:23:24.596-07:00Football Blues<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This football season has been an outright debacle for me. Please consider the following outrage: </div>
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My beloved NY Football Giants started the season a vomit-inducing 0-6. </div>
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My legendary fantasy football franchise is on the verge of its first losing season in 13 years. </div>
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My expansion flag football team just concluded its regular season at 2-8. </div>
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It’s been a real treat to get my ass kicked on Sunday mornings, followed by watching my favorite team implode in the afternoon, only to discover in the evening….that my fake lineup of digital doppelgangers also suck at football. </div>
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It all started innocently enough, as my football fortunes looked bright back in August. On paper, the Giants projected as an offensive juggernaut, flush with young playmakers, a Super Bowl MVP at quarterback, and a seasoned coaching staff. As two-time defending champs, my fantasy football squad featured stars like Arian Foster, Ray Rice, and Robert Griffin as keepers. </div>
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It’s hard to say where it all went wrong. I don’t know why Eli Manning has enjoyed throwing the football to strangers so much. I don’t know why Ray Rice has been running like a “Biggest Loser” contestant. Things just happen sometimes for no good reason. </div>
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As for my flag football team, it appeared to be staffed by a collection of eager and able-bodied athletes. Sure, I was a tad concerned by the average age of 37.6 years, but was confident that wisdom and reliability would make up for the savagery of Father Time. </div>
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It didn’t take long for my concerns to become heightened as my “star” 34 year-old tailback crumpled to the ground after one carry in our first game. It was disheartening to see the once-proud athlete limp slowly off the field with his hand on his hamstring, knowing full well his season was over the moment it started. </div>
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As the games continued on my teammates began to fall around me like we were storming the beaches of Normandy. </div>
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"My groin!” one would scream. </div>
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“My ankle! My back!” would screech more victims. </div>
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The injuries were piling up and my own body was breaking down with every snap. I shredded my right quad in the second game and essentially limped through the season ever since. My ring finger looks like the “13 Curves” after being tangled up in a pair of shorts. </div>
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Getting enough players to show up and then actually make it through the game has been a big hurdle throughout the season. After a few weeks, my roster was as reliable as the Easter Bunny on Christmas. I don’t know what that means, but I doubt that freak-show is very useful on Santa’s big day. </div>
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Maybe the biggest challenge for me has been my evolution as the team’s only viable center. Let’s just say, when I began assembling this squad in August, I wasn’t dreaming of snapping a football between my legs while simultaneously preparing for a collision with fat dudes. </div>
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Despite all this, and our record, we have held up pretty well in most games. There is one team, though, that has been a real nemesis. They have more than twenty men on their roster, mostly cocky youngsters with an apparent dislike for older men. The first time we played against them, it coincided with the start of our original center’s season-long sabbatical, meaning I would need to start snapping the ball. I wasn’t overly concerned about blocking some of the butterballs in the league, but this team presented a more disturbing challenge. </div>
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Let me take you back to our first encounter. I still can’t say for certain, as I was looking across the football field toward the parking lot, but I’m pretty sure I witnessed their team captain releasing some sort of unusually large, primate-like beast from a cage. They appeared to be guiding the mostly-upright walking phenomenon to the sideline with a chain leash. </div>
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I shrugged the development off and assumed it was just a spectator, perhaps a team mascot. We started the game on defense, and I was at ease when it remained on the sideline. </div>
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After surrendering a quick-strike touchdown, my stress level spiked as we took the field on offense. I was troubled to see the thing was lumbering toward the line of scrimmage. I prayed it was just a temporary break from his leash. </div>
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There was no such luck, as the defense drew closer it was clear the team intended to line this abomination directly over me at nose guard. I called a timeout and asked the officials to verify him for human eligibility. </div>
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“Play ball!” they shouted after giving him a brief once-over. </div>
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I wouldn’t have been so concerned if he was calling out defensive instructions like his teammates, or maybe if his eyes didn’t look so damn empty inside…the guy just lined up right on top of me. </div>
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“Hmmmm…” he grumbled, “baba…hmmmm…baba…hmmm”. </div>
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Trust me, that’s not what you want to hear from your opponent as he breathes on the base of your neck. Those aren’t human sounds. </div>
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Of course I am exaggerating just a bit, but this “kid” was 270 pounds of emotional problems. I’m not going out on a limb when I suggest he lacked a father figure growing up, as he pursued the QB with bastardly vengeance, battering and bruising my body along the way. </div>
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We tried to chip-block him with another player in the backfield, but he would just face-palm and discard any poor soul that tried to impede his progress. Needless to say, it was a difficult Sunday morning.</div>
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The good news is that the season is almost over. </div>
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We finished the regular season at 2-8 (thanks to a former college QB playing two games with us) and somehow qualify for a post-season game this Sunday. </div>
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That is a really nice way for the league administrator to tell me I need to pay $40 for one last ass-kicking. </div>
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What’s truly funny, is that our reward (should we win this playoff game) is to immediately play another game right after where I’ll get to square off against that mutant one last time.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-58201868935896201232010-09-13T17:42:00.000-07:002020-03-25T17:43:27.431-07:00Residue<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I got a stern “talking-to” after the Pants on Fire column a few weeks back. My wife made me pinky-swear that I’d start eating better while on the road. She mentioned something about being around for the grandkids, but I just think she’s sick of looking at my gut. </div>
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Either way, I agreed. Picking up a matchbox car off the floor shouldn’t be so hard. So, it was with great sadness that I passed McDonald’s and pulled into Subway last week. Like usual at lunchtime, I had to piss. </div>
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Generally speaking, I’m not a fan of using public restrooms right before I eat. I just feel like somehow, some way, another man’s penis residue is going to end up on my sandwich. </div>
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Annoyingly enough, there was just one girl working. I’m not sure if she was new or just really focused on her craft, but my balls were starting to swell as she placed little banana peppers with painstaking care. My knees started rocking as my patience grew thin. </div>
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Given the earthly shape of the family in front of me, I suspected a large volume order was about to be placed, most likely with a complete complement of toppings and condiments. I couldn’t wait through all that. I had to go. </div>
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I busted through the bathroom door and was surprised to find another man using the urinal. It was a little bathroom, much too small to share with another dude. </div>
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“Sorry…I’ll wait outside,” I offered. </div>
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“Nope…nope…I’m just about…ahhh….wraaaapped up here,” he stuttered while shaking his hips. </div>
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My stomach churned as he pointed his ass outward and slowly packed his apparently gigantic man-garbage back into his shorts. </div>
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“All yours,” he offered. </div>
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“Thanks,” I replied as he grabbed for the door without washing his hands. </div>
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“Enjoy your lunch now,” he blurted cheerfully while leaving the room. </div>
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“Enjoy your pecker...sweat…sandwich” I mumbled. </div>
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I was in mid-stream when a man coughed from inside the stall next to me. I had no idea anyone was in there. I couldn’t believe it. </div>
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“Mmm…nnnn…nnnnt,” he groaned, “…nnnnnnnnt.” </div>
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“Who takes a dump at subway?” I whispered to myself. </div>
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I was taken aback by the man’s struggle. The horrible rumblings were broken up by the man’s heavy breathing. It sounded like Darth Vader was being strangled with a whoopee cushion. My cheeks ballooned in disgust as his waste splashed into the waters below. </div>
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“Ahh…uhhhhhhh…yesss,” he mumbled under his breath. I clenched my teeth and winced as he continued to fight the good fight. I was waiting for him to ask who Number Two works for. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv60IPU3j1_9vDXigs4r0J4OFw-K816oI9qj3Fo6W0ll8pxD-O8Y53bsA37X-tFfQS0SF5c4S9R-dSGKW5ALTjgED8gYh6DjFdkM-ASc4glePSmdKeom9JKwW4Odi-pkJiHtxYjnO_xZDC/s1600/number2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="161" data-original-width="313" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv60IPU3j1_9vDXigs4r0J4OFw-K816oI9qj3Fo6W0ll8pxD-O8Y53bsA37X-tFfQS0SF5c4S9R-dSGKW5ALTjgED8gYh6DjFdkM-ASc4glePSmdKeom9JKwW4Odi-pkJiHtxYjnO_xZDC/s400/number2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The stink became increasingly offensive. It smelled like disease and imminent death. The stench cannot be sufficiently described in words, but the man was clearly not in good health. </div>
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Sensing he was on the verge of an anal fissure, I forced out the rest of my pee and headed hastily for the sink. I squeezed out the last drop of soap and rushed to wash my hands. </div>
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“Ahh!” I blurted as the man quickly rose from the toilet. I was embarrassed by the outburst and feared the awkwardness of looking him in the eyes. </div>
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Blood rushed through my veins as the man’s shoes squeaked loudly on the floor. He started to yank feverishly at the toilet paper. I knew it wasn’t long before he would emerge. I pulled equally fast at the paper towels. Just as he was fidgeting with the stall lock I was able to escape. I leaned against the hallway and let out a sigh. </div>
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The relief was short-lived. I feared it was only a matter of time before he got in line behind me. Worse yet, I wondered, perhaps he was an employee? </div>
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I began to worry as the young girl was still making sandwiches for the same behemoth from before. I watched suspiciously as she walked out of sight for a moment. </div>
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“Hey…I need some help out here,” she shouted. </div>
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She wasn’t alone! My heart began racing…my head was spinning. </div>
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It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be. </div>
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The world seemed to slow down around me. I could hear the squeaking of his shoes getting closer and closer. </div>
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“Caaaaaannnn…I…Heeeelp yoooouuuuu?” echoed a deep, slow-motion voice from the distance. </div>
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I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I was paralyzed by the thought of his crap-riddled hands fondling my meal. </div>
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“Sir!” he repeated while snapping on a pair of rubber gloves, “What can I get you?” </div>
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“Um, give me a minute,” I stammered. I reached for my phone and nearly dialed 911. Instead, I acted like I just got an important text message. I didn’t care about the rubber gloves as he used his damn hands to pick them up! Not to mention, I used the last of the soap! </div>
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“Oh no! I can’t believe this,” I pretended. </div>
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“Is everything okay, sir?” he asked. </div>
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“I’ll be right back. I have to make a phone call.” </div>
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I hustled out of the restaurant and headed toward my car. While I was pleased to not be eating a poop-tainted sub, I felt bad for the young man who passed me on his way inside. The poor bastard will never know what I know. He’ll never know the horrible truth of every scrumptious bite. </div>
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I can only wonder what went through the worker’s minds as they watched me peel out from their parking lot. I hope it was a learning opportunity…to…ya know…not take a massive dump at work.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-83102038031614650162010-08-20T16:56:00.000-07:002020-04-06T16:56:57.876-07:00Road Trip<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
It’s nice to be back at work this week. I can finally relax after a few days on the road with my family. </div>
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It’s much easier when I travel alone. It’s just me and my luggage. Never has my suitcase shouted from the backseat, “Are we there yet?” </div>
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Stinkin’ kids…we weren’t even to Canastota. </div>
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When it’s just me, I never have to worry about my favorite sports talk show being preempted for Alanis Morrisette, or having my vision obstructed by bare feet wedged against the windshield. I damn sure don’t have to listen to the grunting of my ten year old niece as she satisfies her linebacker appetite. </div>
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The only good part about traveling with the family was the acute asphyxiation that followed the children’s flatulent outbursts. </div>
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I’m only kidding, that part sucked too. </div>
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The four of us set sail for Lake George last Monday, and our first stop was a place just north of town called Natural Stone Bridge & Caves. Initially, my wife and I agreed it was a swell time. But, as more time separates us from the forty five dollars we dropped down, I think we both know it was about as impressive as my brother’s back yard. I could find more natural wonders looking at a Braun family photo from 1986.</div>
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As much as I enjoyed watching an elderly gentleman sprain his ankle, the overall experience seemed a bit over-priced. The best part may have been the free picnic facilities (crooked table). The lunch spot provided a good laugh as my son pointed out a weird trash barrel with large wheels, apparently to make it easier to move. </div>
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“Look Dad! It’s a garbage can for handicap people!” </div>
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After my wife and I argued about the absence of macaroni salad in our picnic basket, we packed up and set sail for our river tubing appointment. I was extremely excited for this part of the trip, but it got off to a rocky start. </div>
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Apparently in the Adirondacks, an appointment is defined as such; </div>
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Appointment [uh-point-muhnt] – a long period of sitting around with odd-haired foreigners while waiting for your hillbilly tour guide to arrive. While you may enjoy the short-lived bliss of a large breasted water-shoe girl, you’ll mostly spend time wondering why anybody would wear corduroys and a jean jacket to go down a river, or more importantly, why your rented life jacket smells like it was last worn by Sloth Fratelli. </div>
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After a long wait, our guide finally showed up and loaded us onto a green bus. We had about a ten mile ride to the river. </div>
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I was instantly startled by the driver. She seemed more likely to eat my internal organs than to take me somewhere safely. I was starting to wonder if we’d be floating down the river in garbage bags instead of inflatable tubes. </div>
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We proceeded anyhow, and thankfully so. </div>
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Turns out the bus-driver was just beaten with the ugly stick. She hadn’t been charged with a violent crime since the mid-eighties, and despite being a tardy Unabomber lookalike, the river guide was outstanding. I was pleasantly surprised as he told jokes and impersonated animal sounds for the kids. </div>
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Our one hour float down the crystal clear waters was by far the highlight of my trip. </div>
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The next day was spent at Six Flags Great Escape, which is a fitting name, because I feel like they escaped with all our money. I hate to sound like such a party-pooper, but I was disappointed. It’s not that we didn’t have some fun, but we were spoiled with short lines and long hours at King’s Dominion last year. </div>
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Besides being burnt to a crisp in torturous long lines, wasting two minutes of my life on the bumper cars, and spending forty bucks on Papa John’s, I had a great time. </div>
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“Excuse me, sir,” I said to a ride attendant, “where is the nearest bathroom?” </div>
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“Yes.” </div>
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After several seconds of awkward staring, I asked again, “Bathroom? Where’s the bathroom?” </div>
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“Yes,” he said again. </div>
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“shabby-doo, shobba-de-da,” I asked. </div>
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“Yes,” he nodded in agreement. </div>
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I don’t know what Six Flags has against hiring American college kids for the summer, but thankfully they provide a pretty nice pocket map. </div>
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It wasn’t all bad. The day was saved by a few great hours in the water park. The slides gave my wife something to talk about on the ride back to the hotel. She went on and on about her “near-death” experience. </div>
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“I can’t believe you weren’t there to help me,” she said. </div>
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“Honey, I don’t even think the water went above your nose,” I interrupted. </div>
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“No way! I was like…gasping for air. I started to see white lights…” she carried on. </div>
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We finished up our trip on Wednesday with a day in the village. We did a little shopping…a little miniature golf. </div>
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As the day was winding down we came across Dr. Morbid’s Haunted House. </div>
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“Yes! Yes! Please, let’s do it,” begged the kids. </div>
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We were only ten feet into the tour before my wife was rushing our shrieking niece out the emergency exit. It wasn’t long before my son began to panic as well. </div>
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“Suck it up…don’t be a wuss,” I whispered into his ear, with my hand covering his mouth. </div>
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“Mmmm…mmmm…mmmm!” he mumbled through my fingers, pointing wildly at the exit. </div>
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As I finally relented and tossed him outside, I wondered what was worse…wasting the twenty-eight bucks, or watching my only son go the way of the cowardly lion.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-5527242638185873922010-07-20T18:02:00.000-07:002020-03-24T18:13:28.182-07:00Fangs<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
The world can be a scary place. We’re subjected to so much; from violence and war to economic uncertainty and spiders. </div>
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Yeah, that’s right… spiders. </div>
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I can’t think of anything worse. I’d rather stare down the barrel of a loaded shotgun. </div>
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Those creepy crawlers are the spawn of Satan. Have you ever seen the sick rituals they perform on their prey? Seriously, they make dinner time seem more like serial murder than an act of nature. </div>
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In what resembles a satanic sacrifice, they hang their victims in a web and watch them slowly suffocate. As if that’s not troubling enough, they return to the remains hours later and wrap the corpse tightly with webs until it has been mummified. Then, under the cover of darkness, the body is dragged to unknown depths where I imagine it’s consumed in a most unholy manner. I can imagine the horror movie now, The <i>Hills Have Eight Eyes</i>.</div>
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They are disgusting cretins. My hatred runs deep for them, mostly because they are so terribly ugly. I think mammals have pretty much proven that four legs are more than enough. Anything more just adds to the creep-factor. It’s like having four nipples or six nuts. </div>
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You know, I might be able to look past the hideous veneer if they were able to slaughter other annoying insects in large droves, but they seem to average one fly capture per week. That’s not exactly contributing to society. </div>
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I don’t know if I’ve just moved into a more advanced stage of arachnophobia, but I feel like I’m overrun with spiders lately. They’re everywhere! They’re dangling from the eves while I paint my house, building fortresses on my front porch, and clinging to my car’s windshield like the psychotic paper boy from <i>Better Off Dead.</i></div>
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Just the other night I awoke suddenly to a tickling sensation on my shoulder. Fearing the worst, I slowly opened my left eye to investigate. I was frozen by the horror…my heart was pounding wildly through my chest as I stared at the creature. He was a quarter-sized monster with a furry core. </div>
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Perhaps I was a bit groggy, but I swear he had a patch of blonde hair and two fangs, just like Eric Northman from the HBO's vampire show, <i>True Blood</i>. </div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPTMuPDcR47CE46E2vYYWkKSkkAEdBYhroLVd6aF8ykucZr3rJW9MyTxl99Uvh4BZ-6-5e2vIjHl6acJSqo4FwAtFsPThafm62fBddKPwumYEq5zfMVsHleTtmp99fOxxTlTr-YdDgdlUw/s1600/eric.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPTMuPDcR47CE46E2vYYWkKSkkAEdBYhroLVd6aF8ykucZr3rJW9MyTxl99Uvh4BZ-6-5e2vIjHl6acJSqo4FwAtFsPThafm62fBddKPwumYEq5zfMVsHleTtmp99fOxxTlTr-YdDgdlUw/s320/eric.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I was terrified, but I held my ground. Just like encountering a bear, I figured it was best to avoid any sudden movements. In an apparent show of respect, the spider slowly backed away from me. </div>
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“Is it you, Eric?” I mumbled to the demon. </div>
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He didn’t answer, which I took to mean only one thing; it was him. </div>
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“She is the one you want,” I whispered, motioning my eyes toward my wife as she slept peacefully by my side, "It's Sookie, you must feed now."</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxomDRb3rjxqrOJy5yVDrQ4h_VszGOClTyytDTsdD-p1PEgaM1Yb4LFDeCRl3-D-xsqkGsuYmdClQZpsh1LqWnXD_WzN7nJNTfwQfdFfm5UNpr3S-9mDj6Pk4QAv_5hKRRYZ_TCRa15g_4/s1600/sookie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="195" data-original-width="258" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxomDRb3rjxqrOJy5yVDrQ4h_VszGOClTyytDTsdD-p1PEgaM1Yb4LFDeCRl3-D-xsqkGsuYmdClQZpsh1LqWnXD_WzN7nJNTfwQfdFfm5UNpr3S-9mDj6Pk4QAv_5hKRRYZ_TCRa15g_4/s320/sookie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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“Huh? What?” mumbled my wife in her sleep. </div>
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“Shh…go back to sleep,” I muttered in her ear, “It’s all just a dream.” </div>
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As the spider climbed onto her arm and traveled toward her neck, I turned away on my side. I couldn’t bear to watch. A tear rolled down my cheek as I felt her legs twitch under the sheets, followed by the painful sound of her hand slapping wildly at her neck. </div>
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Quickly, the spider’s belly filled and I was safe. I was finally able to fall asleep.</div>
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The next evening I was watching <i>Unnatural History</i> with my family when we were suddenly interrupted. </div>
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“Eeeew!” shrieked my wife. </div>
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There it was, a large spider carefully making its way down our curtain. It looked similar to the visitor from the night before, but I wasn’t sure it was him until he seemed to point his middle leg at me. He didn’t respect me after all. How could he after what I did last night? </div>
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“I got bites all over my neck! I bet it was him! Kill it!” shouted my wife. </div>
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I moved toward the window slowly. </div>
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“Honey…you know I don’t like spiders.” </div>
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“Fine, I’ll do it!” she quipped. </div>
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“I got it…I got it,” I assured her, “just give me a minute.” </div>
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I emerged from the kitchen with a butter knife and an old shoe. With my wife and son huddling on the other side of the room, I approached the beast slowly. Inch by inch, I moved closer to the target. With my arms extended, I stabbed wildly at the air like I was in a 1980’s knife fight. As the spider quickly scurried out of site, I dropped the silverware and raced away. </div>
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After a few moments, I regained my composure and prayed that my wife didn’t notice my ballerina-like leap and flailing wrists. </div>
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“That was pathetic,” she steamed. </div>
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Her eyes were cold and dark. Her love for me draining from her soul. </div>
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From the distance I could see the animal had resurfaced on the baseboard. I was overcome with rage. </div>
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“Ahhhhh!” I screamed while charging with the shoe held high. </div>
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My first swing barely missed, knocking the enemy onto the floor. He came at me with a final ferocious burst but his advance was stopped short as I pounded the shoe atop his tiny skull. I exhaled slowly after a brief silence. </div>
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“Is he dead?” my wife whispered. </div>
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“I think so,” I replied. </div>
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I slowly lifted the shoe. His motionless body was surrounded by a pool of blood and guts, but I had seen too many horror flicks to be sure of his demise. I felt one of his legs for a pulse. It was official. </div>
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He had expired. Time of death 8:22 PM.</div>
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"It's over...he's gone." </div>
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I outlined the perimeter of his corpse with chalk and blocked off the living room with yellow caution tape. We decided to cover him with a sock until the proper authorities could come and claim his remains.</div>
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I felt like a hero as my wife and son rushed in to hug me. I rested my chin on my wife’s head and ran my fingers through her hair. </div>
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“It’s over…” I assured her again as my eyes fixed onto another spider on the living room wall, his eight vengeful eyes burning into mine. </div>
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“It’s over,” I promised again.</div>
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But it wasn’t over. It’s still not over. The war has just begun.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-73438267085133114012009-03-15T16:37:00.000-07:002020-03-30T16:52:04.710-07:00Juiced<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
As you might have heard, Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees has admitted to using banned substances earlier in his career. It was a stunning revelation for some, and to many a career-tarnishing admission. </div>
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Personally, I commend Alex for owning up to his misgivings and offering a public apology to the Yankees and his fans. </div>
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I will take this opportunity to make an announcement of my own. </div>
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It is with tremendous sadness and regret that I announce several of my past columns have been written under the influence of performance enhancers. </div>
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I can honestly say, it was something I never even considered until late October. At that time, I was dealing with a painful ear infection and coming off a column about boobs, which I knew would be hard to top. </div>
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I fought through the pain, though, and produced a poorly received column, titled “Midgatitis”. After the painful chirping of crickets, I became desperate to prove my worth to the fans. </div>
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Like Alex Rodriguez, I’m guilty of many things. I was naïve and negligent. </div>
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Part of the problem is that it was a very loosey-goosey time in the writing world. It seemed like all the writers were doing something to gain an edge. One writer encouraged me to inject Diet Coke directly into my aorta. Somebody else recommended that I lick amphibian anal-nectar. <br />
It was clear to me that I needed to press onward for other solutions. </div>
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I needed something that would help me generate material, and also help me keep up with the physical rigors of typing. As I researched different performance enhancers, I became a believer in their benefits. </div>
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I started off by injecting Human Growth Hormone directly into my hands. I was hoping to add muscle mass and range of motion to my fingers, which I hoped would add explosiveness to my “shift key” reaches. </div>
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It seemed to work at first, as the 1200-word “Carnage” column would not have been possible without the additional finger strength. <br />
I was on an emotional high from the results and I got so carried away that my hands became grotesque in size. They were Stay-Puftonian large. I had to use voice recognition software on my last few columns because my sausage fingers were too massive for the keyboard. </div>
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I decided to back off the hand treatments, but was still anxious to find a way for more material. I remember hearing in health class about some of the side effects of steroids. I figured “’roid rage” would be the perfect answer to my problems. </div>
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I immediately began consuming anabolic steroids. I have to admit, that without the resulting anger, I would not have been able to produce the “Bowling” and “Bananas” columns. Even as a man of marginal character, I wouldn’t dream to kill my child’s Webkinz character in sound mind. Nor would I degrade an entire community of athletes for a cheap couple laughs. The steroids made me do it. </div>
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Soon enough, I had another problem on my hands. I was having no trouble generating column ideas, but according to my wife, all of the subject matter was likely to be frowned upon by the reading public. At her urging, I deleted such column titles as, “Beat 'Dat Ass”, “What’chu Looking At”, and “I’ll Cut You”. My wife had bigger bones to pick though, or maybe I should say smaller balls. I regret to say that the age-old warning of steroid use is very true. After just a 4-week cycle on the juice, my man-pride had become infantile. </div>
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I didn’t need any more convincing to stop my doping routine. I quickly realized my mistake and my last few columns have been great proof that I can continue to write these columns without the aid of performance enhancers. </div>
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I feel terrible for the poor message I have sent to the kids…you know, all those kids who want to grow up to write a content-poor, low-readership column someday…to all those children…or child…I am sorry. </div>
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I would like to get this behind me, and to formally apologize to all of my readers. I’m sure half of my readers will never look at me the same, but I hope that the other three can learn to forgive me, and to judge my legacy by my work moving forward.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-90534920660262334672009-02-11T17:29:00.000-08:002020-04-04T17:31:33.328-07:00Super Girly<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This year’s Super Bowl must have been a blast for most people. I’ve heard a lot of NFL fans boasting about the game’s exciting finish. </div>
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I usually gather with my fellow man in front of somebody else’s big screen TV. This year, a number of circumstances left me at home with my wife and kid, staring blankly at my 19 inch box set. </div>
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I wasn’t too concerned about it until my wife started bawling only four seconds into Jennifer Hudson’s national anthem. </div>
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“I didn’t know you were such a patriot,” I asked. </div>
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“Shut up, jerk! She just went through a terrible tragedy!” </div>
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My heart isn’t completely made of stone. I decided it was an acceptable reason to cry and didn’t think of it any further. I kicked back to enjoy the game. </div>
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“That’s so stupid! Why does he run right into all those big guys?” she asks only minutes into the game. </div>
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After a sigh of frustration, I said, “It’s about keeping the other team honest.” </div>
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“Wouldn’t it be smarter to run around them?” she insisted. </div>
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A few more minutes of football passed before my young boy unexpectedly dove at me, stabbing my crotch with his bony knees. </div>
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“What the hell!” I screamed </div>
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“Sorry, Daddy,” he says, while farting on my leg. </div>
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As the first half was winding down my wife made a startling discovery. </div>
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“You know what’s weird?” she asked, “Kurt Warner’s hair still looks really good.” </div>
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“What are you talking about?” I asked </div>
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“Well, he’s been wearing a helmet, like…the whole time, but his hair is still really nice and spiky,” she said while pointing to him on the sidelines. </div>
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The first half continued on and the wife’s silly questions made it borderline painful to sit through. I didn’t feel all that entertained until halftime, when they kept showing that top-heavy girl bouncing around to The Boss. </div>
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As the second half approached, I came back to the living room to find my wife misty-eyed again. </div>
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“You have to watch this commercial!” </div>
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“No! I just want to watch the game,” I insisted. </div>
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I barely listened as she went on to explain the commercial…something about a horse making his way to the circus in search of his soul mate. I wasn’t interested. I was hoping for good football and silence. </div>
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I got my wish for a while, and was quite pleased as the pace of the game picked up. Larry Fitzgerald, one of the great stars of the game, finally started making some plays. </div>
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“He’s got a great body!” my wife announced. </div>
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“Well, yeah,” I agreed, “He’s a great athlete…he’s ripped.” </div>
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“No…like, I mean for a woman…he’s got a great body.” </div>
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“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked </div>
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“He’s got a really nice shape to him. He’s got curvy hips and a tiny waste…even the way he walks, he looks like a woman.” </div>
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“That’s disgusting!” I steamed, “He’s one of the best players in the league!” </div>
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“See! Look at him!” she blurted while pointing to the screen. </div>
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They showed him from behind as he walked back to the huddle, his long hair flowing from his helmet. I was suddenly overcome by internal confusion. I shook my head slowly in defiance as my animal instinct leaned toward agreeing with her. </div>
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After Larry scored his first touchdown, the cameras flashed to him on the sidelines with his helmet off, his face full of scruff and eye black. </div>
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“If he shaved and put on some make-up, he would be really pretty.” </div>
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I ignored her, and was grateful when she quickly changed the subject. </div>
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“Ooh, who’s that?” she asked as the cameras panned the sidelines. </div>
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“That’s Matt Leinart, he’s the backup quarterback.” </div>
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“He looks good,” she responded. </div>
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Forgetting briefly my company, I quickly replied, “Not really. He really sucked it up as a starter…he has happy feet in the pocket and his…” </div>
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“No! I mean he’s hot!” she interrupted, “He’s so good looking I bet he’s gay.” </div>
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“Pftt,” I snickered, “he ain’t gay.” </div>
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“How do you know? Just because he plays football he can’t be gay?” </div>
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Those words launched a mind-numbing discussion that ran deep into the fourth quarter. Somehow we got talking about mermaids. She demanded that I agree the existence of mermaids is possible. I refused. </div>
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We both turned our eyes toward the television as Al Michaels’ voice got excited. Larry Fitzgerald was running free to the end zone for the go-ahead touchdown. </div>
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“You go girl!” the wife giggled. </div>
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Sensing my annoyance, the wife finally quieted down so I could watch the Steelers drive down for the winning score. I turned to my wife excitedly after Santonio Holmes’ amazing catch. </div>
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“Wasn’t that drive awesome!” </div>
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“Yeah, it was nice,” she said, “Do you want some of this cucumber lotion, your hands look really dry.”</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-56672743866624557092009-01-17T16:41:00.000-08:002020-03-27T16:43:54.597-07:00Gazelle<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I was horrified a few weeks back as I scoured through the mail. After laughing off a suggestive memo from traffic court, I choked on my bagel as I noticed a letter sent for my son. </div>
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I knew it couldn’t be good. What would somebody want with a 4-year old? I knew some sort of burden awaited me. </div>
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Imagine my grief as I opened the envelope and found an invitation to a little girl’s birthday party. It wasn’t an ordinary birthday party either. It was an ice-skating party. Again, imagine my grief. </div>
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Worst of all, it was scheduled during the heart of “Championship Sunday”, a festivity my beloved New York Giants were sure to be a part of. </div>
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I quickly calmed down as I realized the Giants game was a perfect excuse to get out of this mess. </div>
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“That sucks, Steve,” my wife said, “I don’t know any of those people. It would be nice if you could come.” </div>
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“Yeah, that’s a tough break. I really want to be a part of it, but…it’s such a big game.” </div>
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Several days later, I found myself in a fit of rage after the Giants were beaten by the Eagles. As the remote was in mid-flight toward the television, my rage transformed to panic as I recalled the consequences of this loss. The Giants wouldn’t be playing on Championship Sunday after all. I choked on another bagel as I imagined my face gliding across the ice. (Yes, I do enjoy bagels, and eat them even during fits of rage.) </div>
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My wife and I agreed to a plan. She would patrol the ice with our son while I roamed on solid ground and socialized with fellow parents. </div>
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Ice skating has never had much of a place in my life. My limited experience includes near-drowning and artificial farting. </div>
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As a youngster, my friends and I played a game of make-shift hockey on the small pond behind my home. We were initially thrilled as the ice began to give way underneath us. It wasn’t until the cold water shriveled my already under-developed genitals that I began hustling for dry land. While the pond was only four feet deep, it was a challenge to escape the rapidly collapsing ice. </div>
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Fortunately, my trusty childhood dog, Midnight, was nearby. She barked wildly as we both scurried for sound ice. I recall her muffled bark as I palmed her head eyes-deep into the icy waters. Her submerging body provided just enough leverage for me to climb to safety. I never saw her again after that day. My parents said she went to a better place. </div>
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Anyway, I’m sure you’re curious about the artificial farting. The only way I could ever get through a figure skating broadcast was to make fart noises every time the skater bends over, which happens to be quite often. It doesn’t get much funnier than disrupting the graceful performance of Michelle Kwan with a deafening arm fart as she splits through the air. </div>
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Going back to the birthday party, I was relieved to find that I wasn’t the only parent watching from the sidelines. I was trying my best to maintain conversation when I realized my son was really struggling. It was his first time on skates, and it was very clear he was not a natural. My wife was no match for the 45 pounds of terror on ice. He fluttered around violently, posing great danger to the others. I knew I had to get some skates and help contain him. </div>
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I approached the ice slowly, as unsure of myself as I’ve ever been. I couldn’t recall the last time I was on skates. I stumbled clumsily for the first few glides, but quickly gained some confidence as I made it to my son without incident. </div>
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As I helped the boy around the ice I realized it wasn’t very difficult at all. What was all the fuss about? </div>
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“Geez, you’re actually a pretty good skater,” my wife said. </div>
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I continued to get my skates under me and my confidence grew stronger. I was able to start and stop on a dime. I quickly ignored my family and began to weave in and out of the children. I even elevated my back leg when I was sure nobody was watching. </div>
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“Steve! We can still use a little help over here!” </div>
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“Oh, sorry. I just…I feel like I’m in a zone right now,” I said. </div>
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“What? You’re not that good! I just meant you don’t look as goofy as I thought you would!” </div>
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“Whatever! I’m prancing around like a gazelle out here,” I replied. </div>
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Our exchange was interrupted for cake and ice cream. I couldn’t believe how anxious I was to get back on the ice. </div>
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“Alright, let’s pick up the pace, people!” I shouted to the ice cream scooper. </div>
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The birthday rituals dragged on for an hour. I tried to hide my disappointment when the wife asked me to return our rental skates. </div>
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“Are you sure the skating is over?” I asked </div>
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“Well, I got plans, so we’ll have to go pretty soon,” the wife replied. </div>
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“Please Mommy! Can we skate some more!” my son begged. </div>
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“OK, for 15 more minutes.” </div>
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“I’ll go out with him,” I said quickly. </div>
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“No, you don’t need to. I’ll take care of it.” </div>
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“Are you sure? Because I can…I mean, I can go..,” I stopped myself short as she looked at me curiously. </div>
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My man-pride prevented me from telling her what I really felt. I wanted to go back out on that ice and skate my heart out. I wanted to skate to music. I wanted the spotlight gleaming off my sequin blouse as my man-toe burst through my tights. </div>
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As I watched football later that afternoon, I couldn’t shake the ice skating from my mind. As Kurt Warner led the Cardinals on a game winning drive, I couldn’t help but imagine him landing a triple-axle before each throw. I found myself hoping for a sit-spin touchdown celebration. </div>
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Hopefully the football gods will have mercy on my soul.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-66097642595200816232009-01-10T17:18:00.000-08:002020-03-23T17:40:03.651-07:00Bananas<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I stumbled upon a new obsession over the holidays. Like many others in this digital age, I’ve become addicted to the latest web-based craze. It’s a wonderful social networking site that allows me to keep tabs on my friends and have oodles of fun. </div>
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My wife set up a Facebook account several months ago and I was curious about the whole concept. I went to her page to check it out, but was disappointed to find somebody had thrown a snowball at her. I didn’t want to be bullied around like that, so I decided that Facebook wasn’t for me. </div>
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A few weeks ago I happened upon my son in our office, and he was online in what appeared to be a magical wonderland, filled with games and wonderful prizes. </div>
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“What's this, buddy?” I asked. </div>
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“It’s Webkinz, Daddy. This is my monkey. His name is Bananas.” </div>
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“What do you mean it’s your monkey?” </div>
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“I got him for my birthday! Don’t you remember?” he quipped. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5ki9uMBarYpv1JN9T14zktgusGaHWN_VqUaqGd1pvxEqE1E58nh6sI4Ewc0_X92_JQIBGjoH32tFV2JfJQOICKCh53YhZZGX3ETE2dWO7pxipn3Kek1FKzyAWQIqzSYsz0pmsaKNBq6p2/s1600/Bananas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="130" data-original-width="174" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5ki9uMBarYpv1JN9T14zktgusGaHWN_VqUaqGd1pvxEqE1E58nh6sI4Ewc0_X92_JQIBGjoH32tFV2JfJQOICKCh53YhZZGX3ETE2dWO7pxipn3Kek1FKzyAWQIqzSYsz0pmsaKNBq6p2/s320/Bananas.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Apparently the kid’s been playing on this website since last July. I tend not to ask questions when the boy is quiet and leaving me alone. It seems those random spots of peace and quiet over the past few months were when he had escaped to this Internet paradise. </div>
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If you’re not familiar with Webkinz, let me fill you in. You have to purchase a Webkinz stuffed animal at the store and that little bag of beans comes with an online password to be used at <a class="_2qJYG blog-link-hashtag-color _3Sq3W" href="http://webkinz.com/" rel="noreferrer" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #0088cc; cursor: pointer; font: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_top"><u class="sDZYg" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Webkinz.com</u></a>. </div>
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Each animal comes with its own home page, which is basically a bedroom. The child (or large man) is responsible for the animal’s wellbeing. The kids are supposed to feed it, play with it, and even take it to the doctor’s when necessary. At first, I only popped in on my son when he called for help with a game. I quickly became intrigued by our responsibility to feed this monkey. I started to wonder what would happen if we didn’t feed him? Would he perish? </div>
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That night, after my son was fast asleep, I logged onto his site and left it up running. I smiled devilishly as Bananas’ food bar slowly dwindled. I would check back every 15 minutes to see how far it had gone down. I played a few games with him in an effort to further sap his energy. I chuckled as the little guy appeared to have fallen ill. His face became flushed and strained as he pouted. </div>
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I thought of my son as I looked over all the food items he had purchased and stored for Bananas. It would have only taken a few mouse clicks to nourish the poor monkey, but I was too curious. <br />
I let him starve. <br />
I wanted to see if he would eventually start twitching around on the ground or something. I figured I could feed him at the last minute. If he passed away, I intended to play dumb. </div>
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After watching television for an hour I returned to find my wife in the office. </div>
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“What are you doing?” I asked quickly. </div>
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“Oh, nothing. Wyatt just left his Webkinz up, he hasn’t been feeding the poor little guy,” she said. </div>
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I intervened quickly as she started to drag a carrot toward the monkey with her mouse, “No! Don’t do it!” </div>
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“Don’t do what?” she asked, “I’m just feeding him and closing…..” </div>
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“I wanted to see what would happen!” I interrupted. </div>
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“What? Have you been playing with…..are you trying to kill Bananas!” </div>
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“I would have fed him eventually!” </div>
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“You are sick. Why would you want to kill your child’s digital friend?” </div>
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I guess I’m a little ashamed. I’ve been making it up to bananas ever since though. While my son has become less interested, Bananas and I have become best of chums. We’ve been hanging out nearly every day. We even made some really cool friends online, like DunkyChunks and TommyTheTraveler. </div>
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I’ve been winning big money for Bananas by dominating all the challenges. I’ve decked out his room with a baseball bed, a big screen TV and a bunch of new games. We’ve been playing checkers and air hockey for hours on end. </div>
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Bless Bananas’ little heart, as my attempted murder seems to be water under the bridge. No need to worry, as he’s been eating great. After each meal, I always make sure to give him extra desserts. He really seems to enjoy it, but I’m not sure if they’re very healthy for him. </div>
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Hmm….I wonder what would happen if I fed him nothing but cakes and pies? I wonder if he would get really fat and sick? I wonder if his heart would explode? </div>
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I have to go….</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-8634952397207786462008-12-05T17:49:00.000-08:002020-04-04T17:51:12.752-07:00Carnage<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I let my wife down this weekend. Hopefully I can rebuild her trust after this latest misstep. </div>
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With my son at his grandmother’s house and my wife working late, I committed a terrible act of betrayal in the very bed we share. I knew it wasn’t right, but I had contemplated it for months and finally gave in to temptation. </div>
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I was rolling around in our bed when I heard the front door creep open. I jumped up immediately and scrambled around for a spot to hide my other love. </div>
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“Honey! Where are you!” my wife shouted. </div>
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How could I lose track of time? She’s going to kill me, I thought. </div>
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“Honey?” she said again. As her footsteps began up the stairs I frantically covered up some body parts with the blankets. I hoped somehow she wouldn’t notice. </div>
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“There you are!” she said as the bedroom door opened. </div>
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“Hey baby. Hi,” I said nervously. </div>
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“What are you doing in here? Why is the bed all messed up like that?” </div>
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“Uh, I was just kind of changing the sheets….” </div>
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“What! What is this!!” she said as she reached to pull the blanket back. </div>
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“What the hell!” she cried. “I can’t believe you would do this!” </div>
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My wife was disturbed, and rightfully so. I’m a player. Always have been, always will be. </div>
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“I asked you for one simple thing,” said the wife, “if for just once you could help me clean up around here. I come home and find you…find you… playing with your soldiers!” </div>
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I wish I was a “playa” that shuffled women like a deck of cards, but I’m the type of player who actually plays with toys. My wife caught me red-handed with my special collection of pewter soldiers spread along our bed. It’s a medley of orcs and goblins and other creatures imagined in some geek’s mind. Some have been carefully painted while others are primed for a rainy day. </div>
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The whole hobby started about twelve years ago when my oldest brother received some soldiers for Christmas. It seemed like a nice enough thought, as it was well known he had few interests outside of cigarettes and violence. His idea of heaven was John Wayne greeting him at the pearly gate with a carton of Marlboros. Still, I was surprised how excited he was over a piece of molded metal. </div>
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As the figures were passed around, my brothers and I became intrigued. The fine detail was amazing. It wasn’t long before the mittens I received seemed very disappointing. Our minds began to wander with possibilities. </div>
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“Dude, we should start a game or something, like Risk,” somebody offered. </div>
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“Yeah, that’s a great idea!” my oldest brother replied. He turned to his 3 year old boy, “Look at these, little guy! I’ll have to go out for a sheet of plywood and make a game board. We’ll get a whole bunch of these soldiers!” </div>
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Over the years we developed a board game and it quickly became a cold-weather favorite. Our armies would collide several times a year. One creative brother assembled a large transportable game board. My oldest brother was grateful, as he’d been short on time. </div>
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“Yeah, that’s good. Someday I’ll go out and get some plywood and make a game board for my house,” he said. </div>
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The object of the game is to maneuver an army around a large grid of squares. The length of your move is dictated by move cards. Upon an encounter with the enemy, victory is determined by a simple roll of the dice. </div>
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The game has become more complicated the more times we played. Cavalry, archers, and foot soldiers were assigned their own unique strengths and weaknesses. Special “value” cards were added to the deck, like the “Truce” card, the mighty “Sword” card, and even the dreaded “Black Plague”. </div>
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In the early years of the game, the initial excitement led to a ridiculous arms race. The game was less about strategy and more about a man’s ability to acquire these figures in bulk. They are expensive too, often going for six dollars each or more. I recall in my college years marching my band of twenty misfits into forces that were hundreds strong. </div>
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Some of my older brothers became engaged in their own little Cold War. </div>
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“That’s fine,” one would say after losing, “I’ll just go out and buy another hundred men!” </div>
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The silliness went on for several years as savings accounts dwindled, college funds were tapped into, and in my case, auto insurance premiums were foregone. The ridiculous spending didn’t cease until a bill collector finally recommended we simply set a limit of how many soldiers we could have for each game. </div>
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As more years passed, we thought the game was a brilliant invention. My oldest brother talked about marketing the game to the public. He would dub it “Carnage”. He ignored my suggestion that a strong market for the game was unlikely. </div>
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“Nah, I tell you what, you go hang out at a Lens Crafters, or one of these baseball card shops, you’d be surprised how many losers would love a game like this,” he replied, “I could see getting my own molding kit and mass producing the soldiers!” </div>
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“Sure man, I could see that. How’s your game board coming?” I asked. </div>
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He turned to his son, now nine years old, “What do you think buddy, next couple of weeks we’ll go down and get a sheet of plywood, make up our own board?” </div>
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Like all competition, I have the most fun with the banter leading up to a battle. I recall one email from my brother: </div>
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<em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Soon, your weak forces will be cast aside. You can’t match my military might. I have a new regimen of archers that I purchased with you in mind. Under the cover of darkness, it will be a slaughter.</em> </div>
<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">p.s. I want my drill back!</em> </div>
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It wasn’t long before I replied back: </div>
<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Wow, you are a real loser. I intend for my orc-led forces to march upon your villages in broad daylight. I want you to see clearly as your forces are dispatched and your women and children have their civil liberties violated. The elderly among you will be assigned to the fields for hard labor out of spite. Those fortunate to survive shall be imprisoned, fed merely with the indignity of Orcean poop-nuts.</em> </div>
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<em style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">p.s. I aint got no drill</em> </div>
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The game has continued to this day. The next battle figures to be around the Holidays. My creative brother has built an even greater game board, complete with castles, three dimensional terrains and decorative corpses. My oldest brother loves the new board. </div>
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“Wow, that’s great man. I tell ya, I’m going to go down to Home Depot and get me a sheet of plywood, get my router going…,” he says, turning to his son, now standing six feet and 190 pounds. </div>
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“Sounds good, Dad,” the boy says while scratching his beard, “Sounds good.”</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723788248801643826.post-76860560841689284962008-09-05T16:56:00.000-07:002020-03-29T16:57:05.095-07:00Prey<div class="XzvDs _208Ie tFDi5 blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color _2QAo- _25MYV _6RI6N tFDi5" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #221b23; direction: ltr; font-family: play, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I’ve come a long way over the years. I owe a great deal to my wife for shaping the man I am today. She has enlightened me on some of the simpler things in life. </div>
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I vividly recall my savagery at the Olive Garden on our first date. Are you familiar with the large bowl of salad they provide? It is intended for the entire table to share. </div>
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I remember my wife as she nibbled at a few leaves and deferred the bowl to me. Rather than transfer a reasonable portion to my small bowl, I proceeded to eat directly from the large bowl. I swooped low and extended my elbows, as if to protect my spoils from unknown threats. As the salad dwindled and the remains became too tedious to collect with my fork, I lifted the large bowl high to my mouth, arched my head, and shoveled every last morsel into my mouth. </div>
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You can imagine my wife’s embarrassment as others gawked at my blatant disregard for decency. </div>
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Perhaps she noticed my size twelve shoes, but she decided to stay along for the ride and over the course of time molded me into a man of reasonable manners. </div>
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Despite my wife’s best effort, deep down inside me resides a predator born some 29 years ago. Buried behind my brainwashed veneer is a man of simple animal needs. </div>
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Those needs resurfaced last night when my wife presented me with an entire chicken. My ensuing barbarism has left me a conflicted man. My instincts told me to be proud, but my wife’s eyes told a tale of shame. </div>
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At first the chicken was carefully shaved and presented to me neatly on a plate, accompanied by nutritious side items. It was adorable how all the food groups were represented. I worked slowly on my meal at first, allowing my wife plenty of time to finish her meal. As she left the table, she reminded me that there was more chicken left. </div>
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“Hmm…I could go for more chicken,” I whispered. </div>
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I entered the kitchen and there it was; a beautifully mutilated chicken carcass, glistening in the light. I could see the hidden meat treasure among the bones. </div>
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I approached it slowly and carefully like a lion toward his prey. With my wife outside of ear-shot I pounced on the dead creature and pulled at it with my bare hands. With explosive burst, I consumed the animal tissue without discretion; ligaments and flesh alike. Once a section was clean to the bone, I would rotate the animal and continue on earnestly, fearing perhaps another man would stumble upon me and threaten my prey. </div>
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It wasn’t until my wife entered the kitchen for a glass of water that I was snapped back into humanity. I stood there with a large ring of grease around my mouth, my hands littered with bird parts and tendon oils. </div>
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“Honey, what’s going on in here?” she asked. </div>
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I stood silent for a while, unable to think. </div>
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“Umm…the chicken, they were coming for the chicken,” I replied frantically as my eyes bulged from my head.</div>
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“Honey, nobody’s coming for the chicken...it’s just us," she said while rubbing my back gently, "Nobody’s coming,” she said calmly. </div>
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I was possessed by thoughts of the old days. I wasn’t starved as a kid, but the food was just scarce enough that dinner time was about getting what was rightfully mine. </div>
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To survive in my house you had to gather and horde. When Mom brought home Food Club Nacho Tortillas, I had two options. I could eat the entire bag at that very moment before somebody else sees them, or I could hide them like a squirrel for a rainy day. </div>
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Even to this day, when I see my brothers, my first instinct is to look for the nearest food supply and defend it. </div>
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This food-shortage paranoia carried on for many years. We’ll call it FSPS, or Food Shortage Paranoia Syndrome. Even when many of my brothers had left the nest, I would hide every last nut and berry in the house from my poor father. Fortunately my wife has helped me manage the problem without the aid of any medication. She’s assured me that she only wants her small portion, and that she’ll never lunge for my plate. I’ll have to keep my eyes on my son. He’s not getting any smaller.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0